Ian Pfeiffer put 165.0 on the board in week one, the highest score of the round, and dismantled Jeff Abbott 165.0 to 93.0. Nobody else cleared 155.
The Ragtag Misfits did not so much win their opening fixture as conduct an audit of it. Pfeiffer scored 165.0 points. Abbott, whose Drake Maye Fan Account managed 93.0, was seventy-two points adrift and was never within hailing distance of the leader at any point in the proceedings.
D'Andre Swift returned 37.5 and Caleb Williams 37.0, which is a peculiar sentence to write in a league where people have spent a decade insisting the Bears quarterback is unstartable. Two players, 74.5 points between them, and Pfeiffer still had most of a roster left over to do the remaining ninety.
The historical note is that these two have met in week one before. In 2023 Pfeiffer beat Abbott 98.0 to 96.0, a two-point affair settled on the final Monday. The rematch has been considerably less competitive, and considerably less kind, and Abbott has a full week to consider which version he preferred.
Pfeiffer now sits first on points for, first on the table, and first in the private estimation of everyone who drafted against him. Hannan Merritt's 154.5 is the only other score within a country mile. The league year is one week old and already the arithmetic looks settled to an indecent degree.
Hannan Merritt beat Matt Francis 154.5 to 144.0, the second-highest score of the week against the second-highest losing score. Derrick Henry gave Merritt 39.5 and Christian Watson 36.0. Francis had Jahmyr Gibbs for 36.5 and still finished ten and a half short.
Francis therefore begins 0-1 with 144.0 points for, which is more than three winners managed. Seventh in the standings, unbeaten in any meaningful sense, beaten in the only sense that counts.
“Sometimes you gotta just pull the gun out of your mouth and get back to work. That's football. You grab your severed dick off the floor and sew it back and keep trucking. Slap the ass of the guy who's fucking your wife and put on your Cumberland farms polo and get back to the night shift. That's what this game is all about and what this team is all about.”
Tim Kelly started 135.0 and benched 82.0, including Jaxson Dart at 27.0 and Kyle Monangai at 27.0. He won by 50.5 regardless, which is the only reason this is comedy rather than an inquest.
One hundred and sixty-five points, the week's best by 10.5 over Merritt. Pfeiffer leads the standings on record and on points for, having needed neither luck nor a favourable Monday night.
Pfeiffer 165.0, Abbott 93.0. The widest margin of week one and comfortably the most one-sided reading experience for anyone following along on a phone from the middle of a family gathering.
Donald Hefferon beat Travis Gervais 144.0 to 141.0. Josh Allen's 41.0 carried it. Gervais benched Jalen Coker for 36.0, which is twelve times the margin and the sort of thing that ruins a September.
Pauza v Merritt — Pauza trails Merritt 6-9 all-time and meets him at his hottest.
Abbott v Wadhams — Abbott v Wadhams, 8-7 across the years, two 0-1 sides colliding.
Borah v Francis — Borah 2-6 against Francis and arrives carrying the week's lowest score.
Kelly v Pfeiffer — Kelly leads Pfeiffer 15-7 all-time, a record Pfeiffer intends to interrogate.
Hefferon v Littlehale — Hefferon 8-19 against Littlehale, the most lopsided ledger in the league.
Gervais v Dudley — Gervais leads Dudley 14-8 and needs it after losing by three.
Clear and bright over the Ragtag Misfits. Ion sees no cloud until at least October.
Persistent bench fog across Find Yourself a CeeDee. Tim advised not to look down.
Low pressure settling over the Jackalope Society. Duds should expect drizzle through Sunday.
Scattered three-point squalls near A Jeanty-man and a Scholar. Trav, bring a coat.